Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
