i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
