I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
