Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
