this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
