The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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