not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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