Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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