i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
