I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
