I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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