I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
