so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
