I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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