Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
