don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
send nudes
from the living room?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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