dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
