That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
