My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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