I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
