Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
