you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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