I wish I could punch you in the face.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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