i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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