If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
