Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
