After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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