Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Shame - the story of my life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
