i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
