He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
