It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
