I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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