We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
