he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
