first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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