I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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