Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I touched a dick in church today
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