peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We are all done wearing pants today
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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