Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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