I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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