He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
