just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
