you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's official drugs can't kill me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
