I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
