Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
time to smoke my breakfast
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
