Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
