Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
what day is it and did you see me today?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
