i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
