I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
