I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He has the fingertips of a God
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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