if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
