My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
