On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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