I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
